My, how far we have come

There is so much to say at this point. So much that it can't all be written in it's entirety on hundreds of blank pages....or at least that's how I currently feel. I used to always consider myself a loving, kind person. Someone who, without a doubt, would be completely empathetic to a close friend or family member....never wavering in compassion. That consideration has changed and I fucking hate it.

Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change

Doors opening and closing.. Barefoot and walking on hot coals one minute, then the next minute my toes are sinking in warm, wet sand on a beach in Florida. There is a freedom in the latter.

Raise your hand if you have ever made a mistake ----- of course you are probably raising your hand as high as you can right now. It's clear that humankind is destine for deliverance from an ill conceived idea of "life" and what that meaning is to them. I could vomit out words of life and change all day, but that would be pointless, rather than to just live it and feel it and let it take you to places you have never thought of going before. 2013 was the worst year of my life. And I would be lying to you if I said I remained focused and strong throughout that year, but instead I was extremely weak, terrified, and angry.....and my anxiety took me to the darkest places that I never knew were there. There was no fucking light. No fucking hope. Only a darkness, which kept getting darker and darker and darker. No escape. No way out. NO NO NO NO ----- Pain wrapped me up in it's arms and said, "trust in me you god damn coward." Discontent with my weakness and my overall well being, I wanted to just lay down and sleep for the rest of eternity. It all began with the difficult management of finances, therefore leading to things being taken away. Then to follow, my mother being put on life support and getting worse and worse with no promise of the next minute. Then personal health issues, leading to possibilities of life threatening illnesses, only to be told "Oops, our bad. You're good but we still don't know what's wrong." My sister dealing with a complete shit of a husband and ultimately leading to my mom passing later that year. You would think I should just grow the fuck up and deal with it as it comes....I mean, people have been put through way worse circumstances, right! Things were changing, life was taking place....and I couldn't take it. Weakness became my reality. Weakness became my.....strength so to speak. I was really good at it. Agoraphobia began to feel safe and tried moving in, constantly knocking at the door. Depression was waiting in the car. Once I opened the door, both came rushing in as to rob me of who I thought I was. But that's the thing....I THOUGHT but still I didn't know who the hell I was. I would enjoy sitting in silence before, but now sitting in silence meant just waiting to die, and who wants to die?! If you cut me, I would bleed distance and most of all, fear. Fear.