Let Them Eat.....Nothing

Throughout your entire life, people will come and go. Some will stay in it longer than others. Some will just end up bailing at the first sign of things getting weird, or hard. And there are potential friends, and thankfully I have only come across very few in my life, that come into your life and they seem interesting...and interested. They are excellent at playing the part well. But deep down in their bones, they have a plan and they may not even know what exact plan it is. Of course, you have no clue. You are blinded by their loving, caring, supportive, insightful nature...why the hell would you be expecting something to go wrong.

but then BAM!

It hits you. You were so numb to this because they injected the anesthesia earlier on, and they were feeding on you and your well being once you became unaware of the surroundings....and yeah, they can tell when that happens.
"Yes I'm interested, tell me more." "Here are some words of encouragement because I see you are having a hard time." "Let's go grab some lunch and talk it out." "Let me know how I can help."
Those are a few of many statements that began to slowly flow through your veins and make you feel welcomed and comfortable and relaxed. You let them eat. And eat. And eat. And eat. But know this...they never become full or satisfied. Ever.
Somewhere in the middle of you feeling happy-go-lucky in this "friendship" and "bond" you have, they may ask - "Can I borrow a few bucks. I'll pay you tomorrow." "Will you come pick me up. My car isn't starting....and oh yeah, can you buy me some food. I'm starving."
These things here, these things you do for them because....well, why the fuck not. They have become a close part of your life. You do those things for people dear to you.
This is where it becomes either climactical or slowly but surely, too far gone. Your choice. Go ahead. Just know that depending on the outcome of your decision, it could either stick with you for a few minutes or a few years. But don't let me get in the way. Go ahead.

(You may sense the resentment here. And know that I am not bitter towards anyone who has done this to me. I forgave them once they began to do this. I can't hold a grudge because life is much shorter than you think....but that's for another time.)

I would at first compare this to a scavenger - a vulture or mosquito. But really, this is emotional cannibalism. It sounds terrible. And it is. We never intend to bait ourselves into this. It is not your fault. It was never your fault for letting someone in. You are not unworthy because you simply tried to be a friend. But it is extrememly important to know your boundaries as a human being. Set those boundaries and try your best to stick to them. I am saying this not because I am just wonderful at setting boundaries. I am saying this because daily, I fail at doing this and work hard to ground myself and, at the very least, begin to know where to set those boundaries. It is not because we plan to throw it away. Sometimes we get caught completely off guard. Sometimes our depression or our anxiety become so overwhelming and controlling, it just happens. I know first hand the intense weight of anxiety. It will bleed you dry. Fill you back up. And bleed you even more. Then you are left in a weak  state with what feels like nothing. But ultimately, you are not weak and you have everything....right there. It sounds completely insane, I know. But trust me. At your weakest moment, you become something much stronger than you ever thought imaginable. Super heroes become bullshit. You are your own super hero. And you didn't even create this. It was there...it was always there. Buried.

Fight for yourself. It's not selfish whatsoever so go ahead and pack that thought up, wrap a heavy chain around it and throw it in the ocean. Set your boundaries so that when someone is placed in your life and begin to sink their bacteria ridden, venomous komodo dragon teeth in, you will be able to see this immediately and cut it off right away. Let them eat nothing.

My, how far we have come

There is so much to say at this point. So much that it can't all be written in it's entirety on hundreds of blank pages....or at least that's how I currently feel. I used to always consider myself a loving, kind person. Someone who, without a doubt, would be completely empathetic to a close friend or family member....never wavering in compassion. That consideration has changed and I fucking hate it.

Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change Change

Doors opening and closing.. Barefoot and walking on hot coals one minute, then the next minute my toes are sinking in warm, wet sand on a beach in Florida. There is a freedom in the latter.

Raise your hand if you have ever made a mistake ----- of course you are probably raising your hand as high as you can right now. It's clear that humankind is destine for deliverance from an ill conceived idea of "life" and what that meaning is to them. I could vomit out words of life and change all day, but that would be pointless, rather than to just live it and feel it and let it take you to places you have never thought of going before. 2013 was the worst year of my life. And I would be lying to you if I said I remained focused and strong throughout that year, but instead I was extremely weak, terrified, and angry.....and my anxiety took me to the darkest places that I never knew were there. There was no fucking light. No fucking hope. Only a darkness, which kept getting darker and darker and darker. No escape. No way out. NO NO NO NO ----- Pain wrapped me up in it's arms and said, "trust in me you god damn coward." Discontent with my weakness and my overall well being, I wanted to just lay down and sleep for the rest of eternity. It all began with the difficult management of finances, therefore leading to things being taken away. Then to follow, my mother being put on life support and getting worse and worse with no promise of the next minute. Then personal health issues, leading to possibilities of life threatening illnesses, only to be told "Oops, our bad. You're good but we still don't know what's wrong." My sister dealing with a complete shit of a husband and ultimately leading to my mom passing later that year. You would think I should just grow the fuck up and deal with it as it comes....I mean, people have been put through way worse circumstances, right! Things were changing, life was taking place....and I couldn't take it. Weakness became my reality. Weakness became my.....strength so to speak. I was really good at it. Agoraphobia began to feel safe and tried moving in, constantly knocking at the door. Depression was waiting in the car. Once I opened the door, both came rushing in as to rob me of who I thought I was. But that's the thing....I THOUGHT but still I didn't know who the hell I was. I would enjoy sitting in silence before, but now sitting in silence meant just waiting to die, and who wants to die?! If you cut me, I would bleed distance and most of all, fear. Fear.

nothing greater..

freedom. free from the things that are not necessary in our lives. free from staying in one place for too long.

my wife is my freedom. she is my stronghold. we create a binding relationship. filter and demolish the evil. wipe away each other's tears. and move on...together

There is NO greater love than this.

gift

are we so fickle, that we even forget who we are? could it be that bad? i know everyone changes. some constantly and some periodically. although we do adhere to the changes, we have to remain consistent. we are given free will. but we take that, and obliterate the very meaning. i am definitely not one to talk. i am filth...i am the definition of sin...i think shitty thoughts...i do shitty things. love is not expected. but everyone expects to be loved. i want to love more. and not some bullshit excuse to gain anything. there is absolutely nothing i want.....

songs are sung about it. books are written about. art is created out of it.

there is no passion without first being able to love. and passion is what gives us a desire and a longing to experience and create.

why wouldn't anyone want to be a small part in this?

just another random thought...

I am not a fan of awkward conversation. And from my knowledge, I don't think many people are. For instance, when you go with your best friend to a bar and you hear your name from across the room....even a bit louder than the mumbling crowd. You turn to find someone you haven't seen in quite a while. It always begins with a "hey man, how's it going?" Then I say, "It's going well. How are you?" "Doing well," they reply. Blah blah blah....It goes on and on for as long as you want it to, but dies out after about a minute and twenty seconds. (Maybe even sooner)

Take that awkward conversation and turn it into something awesome. Something that could possibly be even more ungainly, but not to you at all.

Rewind all of the way back to the "How's it going, man?" Then maybe I can respond with a, "funny you ask....I was at this anime convention last week....it was my first time to go and was totally crazy. I dressed up like pokemon and took a few people bowling. This dude threw up on me, but it was a PARTY! How have you been?" Random, I know. But it works. The awkwardness is no more. Maybe for 2 reasons; 1) They are a bit weirded out by you now, so they end it quickly. 2)The story helped to break the ice and leads in to more meaningful conversation.

there's no preparing...

The last six months have been completely overwhelming, and crazy...striking a blow to every part: relationships, job, personal life.

It's hard to realize how much can happen within a matter of months. I can sit on my front porch, and my mind is like a wheel that spins continually with thoughts of every kind....mostly life in it's most complicated form. I don't understand it. Maybe it's not for me to understand it. On top of the randomness, I feel I have been so back and forth, so inconsistent. And I can't stand inconsistency. I was becoming the opposite of what I wanted to be, and it did seem kind of hopeless (at first). But I believe nothing or no one is hopeless.

We all have a season, and that season will pass. There is no time frame of when it will begin and end, but it sheds who we are as people; everything we are made of and who we have become....the strength, faith, commitment, reason, honesty, and love.

Everyone has a weakness. And that weakness will, without end, be tested. And maybe it will reveal who we are, maybe it won't. But I know for me personally, I am weak. And there is only one way out of the pale light.

We can only move forward because staying stagnant leaves us vulnerable, and ultimately we become a place where parasites feed.

Change is inevitable. But through change, there is growth. We just have to........LIVE. And remain consistent.